For years, I have distrusted people, afraid of lies and deceit, of exaggerations and manipulations. Crippled mentally, emotionally, and socially, I was cynical and suspicious of everyone I knew, including myself. Even my own mind was an enemy; I questioned and accused myself of motives I’ve never had, framing myself of things I’ve never done.
Is this a mental illness? A delusion? Perhaps. Do others suffer through the same feelings? Most definitely; I know I am not alone. So, for my readers, loved ones, and for myself, I’ve decided to embark on a quest for truth.
I know, I know– a “quest for truth” sounds like some kind of corny, abstract term a therapist would throw at you during a one-on-one session. But what I mean by it is that I check myself based on three sections:
Are my thoughts honest? Do they accurately represent my perceptions? Do they accurately portray my intentions? Are they active instead of passive? Are they based on reality than conjecture? My thoughts tend to easily spiral out of control, but I must remind myself it is within my power to straighten them by grounding myself in the present.
Is my speech indicative of my personality? Am I verbally kind to others? When do I tend to hold back what I’m thinking? Does my writing accurately and responsibly reflect what I’m feeling? Am I afraid to speak my mind? Do I have control over which thoughts are verbalized? I find that I have no filter at inappropriate times and too much of a filter at others. Insecurity has a lot to do with it, but I know that much of that will be erased when I feel comfortable using my own voice.
Do I act a certain way around others than I do with friends or family? Am I self-conscious about my movements? Do my actions support my thoughts and speech? Am I comfortable in my own skin? Being kind to others is important to me, and sometimes my actions do not reflect my care for people. My goal is to change that.
The key to being truthful is making sure that your thoughts, speech, and action align until they converge as one and the same: three parts of a whole person, with emphasis on the whole person rather than the parts.
The thing about the quest for truth is remembering to be true to yourself. Instead of relying on others to be genuine to you, you should first remember to be genuine with yourself. Engaging in things like reading and writing will help, as they cause you to be more introspective.
I am by no means finished with my endeavor, but I hope that I could inspire you in some way to embark on your own quest for honesty. Feel free to leave a comment below or contact me with any questions or thoughts.